You’ve probably already read a lot about the 2022 GMC Hummer EV and its hyperbolic specs and performance. What you haven’t heard, until now, are the behind-the-scenes beefs and bragging rights of the machine itself. Ahead of the Hummer EV launch, CD got an exclusive interview with GM’s new flagship 4×4, with no topics off the table. This transcript is edited for clarity and profanity.
CD: Thanks for talking to us. You’re obviously a big deal for GM, but you’re also the most controversial new vehicle in years. Do you think that would be the case if you were, say, a Chevy instead of a Hummer?
Hummer EV: Sorry, I wasn’t listening. I was just thinking about how my 1487 pound payload means I could carry more than 140 cases of muscle milk.
I asked about how your brand, Hummer, carries a lot of baggage that might be missing if you were a Chevy.
I’m a GMC, brah! It’s like a Chevy with better credit. They had to make me a GMC because the hippies burned down all my dealerships in 2009. At least that’s what Bumblebee told me. I know Bumblebee.
Okay, let’s move on. You’ve made a big deal about “Crab Mode”, where the rear axle steers in phase with the front. What is the use case for it?
Getting out of your mom’s driveway.
Let’s try another way. You have said that the Rivian R1T “Looks like something you found in your poo”. Can you elaborate more on that?
(Carpenter) You said “idiot”.
Let me rephrase. Think you’re being too hard on Rivian?
(giggles harder) You said…
OK, anyway! According to our scale, you weigh more than 9000 pounds. Does it align with your sustainability message?
Oh, so I weigh this much according to your usual media scale? Of course. I probably weigh less than that. Or more. Who cares? Eighteen-wheelers can weigh 80,000 pounds. Consider how much ships weigh, or the moon. Nobody talks about them.
Your “Watts to Freedom” mode is clearly meant to have a different connotation when used in its abbreviated form, “WTF”. Would you say it’s a way of owning the disdain that many feel towards your brand?
I don’t know how to read.
Okay, let’s talk batteries. Detractors say that extracting the raw materials for your battery is harmful to the environment, and that when the battery eventually breaks it will take up space in a landfill.
If you were to recycle all your copies of Tiger Beat instead of throwing them in the trash, maybe there would be more space in the landfill, boss. Just kidding, not kidding. But really I think when I need a new battery I’ll do a huge burnout and make a new Grand Canyon and throw the old battery in there. And then someone can take it out again and you can cry about it.
Do you ever talk to any of your relatives? We’ve heard you’re the black sheep of the family.
I get along with the H1 and H3 Alpha SUT, but the others hate me for not being me. If you see an H2 that doesn’t have 24 inch chrome rims and low profile tires, give them my number. But I doubt my phone will ring. Last time I saw the H2 there was a comment about electric motors being useless except to start gas motors and I wasn’t meant to hear that, but I was there. My family, they forget that I’m quiet. I’m a 9000 pound ninja, son.
Do you think part of your attitude comes from resentment of internal combustion trucks, especially the practice of ICEing – parking internal combustion vehicles in front of EV chargers?
I park in front of diesel pumps just for the lulz, so I get it. I have 1000 horsepower and T-tops, if you’re looking for the source of my extreme ferocity.
That’s not really what I asked, but okay. Do you expect your marketing campaign to target internal combustion trucks? Like maybe show you pulling a Ford F-350 out of a mud hole or something?
I’m pulling the F-350 into mud hole. I’m not here to make friends. Unless you’re a Trans Am. In that case, I’d say “‘Sup? Nice t-shirts.”
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