You have probably already read a lot about the 2022 GMC Hummer EV and its hyperbolic specifications and performance. What you have not heard, until now, is the beef behind the scenes and bragging from the machine itself. Ahead of the Hummer EV launch, CD got an exclusive interview with GM’s new flagship 4×4, without any topics excluded. This printout is edited for clarity and profanity.
C / D: Thank you for talking to us. You’re obviously a big deal for GM, but you’re also the most controversial new vehicle in years. Do you think that would be the case if you were, say, a Chevy instead of a Hummer?
Lobster EV: Sorry, I did not listen. I was just thinking about how my payload of 1487 pounds means I could carry more than 140 boxes of muscle milk.
C / D: I asked how your brand, Lobster, carries a lot of luggage that could be missing if you were a Chevy.
Lobster EV: I’m a GMC, brah! It’s like a Chevy with a better credit rating. They had to make me a GMC because hippies burned down all my dealers in 2009. At least that’s what Bumblebee told me. I know Bumblebee.
C / D: Okay, let’s move on. You’ve done a great thing about “Crab Mode”, where the rear axle steers in phase with the front one. What is the use case for it?
Lobster EV: Getting out of your mom’s driveway.
C / D: Let’s try another way. You have said that the Rivian R1T “looks like something you found in your poop”. Can you develop more about it?
Hummer EV: (Giggling) You said “idiot”.
C / D: Let me rephrase. Do you think you’re too hard on Rivian?
Hummer EV: (Speaks louder) You said …
C / D: OK, anyway! According to our scale, you weigh more than 9000 pounds. Is this in line with your message about sustainability?
Lobster EV: Oh, so I weigh so much according to your usual media balance? Of course. I probably weigh less than that. Or more. Who cares? Eighteen-wheelers can weigh 80,000 pounds. Think about how much ships weigh, or the moon. Nobody talks about them.
C / D: Your “Watts to Freedom” mode is clearly meant to have a different connotation when used in its abbreviated form, “WTF”. Would you say that it is a way to own the mockery that many feel towards your brand?
Lobster EV: I do not know how to read.
C / D: Okay, let’s talk batteries. Detectors say that extracting the raw materials for your battery is harmful to the environment, and that when the battery eventually breaks down, it will take up space on a landfill.
Lobster EV: If you were to recycle all your copies of Tiger Beat instead of throwing them in the trash, maybe there would be more space in the dump, boss. Joking, not kidding. But really, I think when I need a new battery, I’ll make a huge burn out and make a new Grand Canyon and throw the old battery in there. And then someone can take it out again and you can cry over it.
C / D: Do you ever talk to any of your relatives? We’ve heard you’re the family’s black sheep.
Hummer EV: I agree with H1 and H3 Alpha SUT, but the others hate me because they are not me. If you see an H2 that does not have 24-inch chrome rims and low-profile tires, give them my number. But I doubt my phone will ring. Last time I saw H2 there was a comment that electric motors were useless except to start gas engines and I was not meant to hear it, but I was there. My family, they forget I’m quiet. I’m a 9000 pound ninja, son.
C / D: Do you think part of your attitude comes from resentment against combustion trucks, especially the practice of ICEing – parking combustion vehicles in front of electric car chargers?
Hummer EV: I park in front of diesel pumps just for lulz, so I understand. I have 1000 horsepower and T-tops, if you’re looking for the source of my extreme cruelty.
C / D: That was not really what I asked for, but OK. Do you expect your marketing campaign to focus on combustion trucks? Like maybe showing you pulling a Ford F-350 out of a mud hole or something?
Lobster EV: I pull the F-350s into clay holes. I’m not here to make friends. Unless you are a Trans Am. In that case, I would say “‘Sup? Nice t-shirts.”
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